God Will Totally Cut You

I know a lot of very nice people--people who, through intense niceness, have lost their ability to spot things that are weird underneath their good intentions. With that in mind, check out what showed up in my inbox right before Halloween:

HAPPY FALL TO YOU

A woman was asked by a coworker, 'What is it like to be a Christian?' The coworker replied, 'It is like being a pumpkin' God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. This was passed on to me by another pumpkin. Now it's your turn to pass it to other pumpkins. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.

"Oh," I thought, recoiling from the screen. "What's happening there?"  After some thought and no small amount of concerned e-mails with a friend who does understand irony, it was decided that this message suggested the following things:

1. God is some sort of zombie serial killer
2. Your brain is nothing but evil goop and seeds (probably also evil) that need to be violently removed with a big silver serving spoon
3. Being a Christian is like getting a special wittle wobotomy all your own!  Note: If this hasn't been your experience, then you're probably doing the whole thing wrong--have you done the brain-scooping thing yet?
4. God will totally cut your face. 

This was clearly an important message that needed to be disseminated.  I tooled around on Google Images for a minute and then I forwarded the message to my loved ones, with a new picture attached:

I think it really captures the magic of what happens when God rips off your head, cuts off the top of your skull, and scoops out your brains.  When that's done, he'll shove a candle in the hollowed-out cavity of your head and slice your face into a permanent rictus smile.  Now all the world can see that you--yes, you!--are a totally good Christian who's followed all the steps to perfect Christian-itude and nothing else will ever go wrong in your life.

If you feel warm inside because of that, you should.  That's the candle God put in there.