All right you guys, I know it’s been about a thousand years since I updated. I got lazy, but I’m going to make it up to you. We’re going to go through the backlog of assholes, dilettantes, and man-children I’ve encountered in the past couple months, which will be fun for all of us.
So, to pick up where we left off, I had just sabotaged the hell out of myself by slinking away from the Math Unicorn. It was time to do some soul searching and also some pep-talking.
I decided to be more open to people and their imperfections. I’m certainly not perfect, I thought to myself, and it would be unfair to expect everyone to rise to my high standards. I would listen to what people had to say to me and not reject them out of hand if they said something I thought was stupid. If I actually liked a guy, I wouldn’t disappear two dates in. Yeah! I was going to be awesome and understanding and pleasant, dammit!
And that’s where the Sexual Grizzly came in. He seemed normal at first, which they all do for the most part. He wasn’t my usual physical type, but he looked ok and didn’t seem like he was intent on eating the skin off my face or anything, so I gave him my number and we commenced a texting courtship.
He worked in a college library during the day, and he was pretty smart. He made me laugh quite a bit and had the skill of giving me compliments without seeming like a creeper. Overall I liked the cut of his jib. But something seemed a teensy bit off-kilter, like he wasn’t telling me something important. Initially, I filed this feeling away with things that are noteworthy but not necessarily ominous.
A flag went up a couple days in when he said he was also a DJ at local fetish parties. This gave me some pause; while I’m really not bothered by people on the Fet scene, the instances of polyamory are fairly high and I’m a completely monogamous kind of girl. He made some reassuring noises about it just being a gig. I gave him the text version of the side-eye, but I reminded myself that I was practicing not shutting people down right off the bat.
And then came the day when, at his suggestion, we played Truth or Dare, on the understanding that I did not want any pictures of his junk. When answering the question, “Why did your last relationship end,” he seriously told me, “I guess it’s just because I’m a very sexual person…my girlfriend couldn’t handle that.”
LOL, what, dude? But no, you’re totally trying not to be judgmental. Roll with it!
So I went through my usual spiel of, “Blah blah religious upbringing, love, not happening anytime soon, blah.” I figured that would take care of it.
But no, he was all (to paraphrase), “Oh, that’s so awesome and special! I’m down with that and stuff and I appreciate your honesty and whatever.”
Side note, do men actually appreciate honesty when it’s not what they want to hear?
Anyway, since I was wearing my Pants of Being Accepting of People I talked to him for a few more days. His messages got more and more explicit, though, because he was such a sexual person and whatnot. I was starting to get annoyed so I threw out a suggestion that might have been kind of a trap.
“We should meet in person! Let’s get coffee!” I sent a picture of myself being super smiley and not at all looking like I was trying to call the Sexual Grizzly’s bluff. On the off-chance that he accepted, I named the daytime in a very public place.
But wouldn’t you know it, he was busy! But he super wanted to meet me, it was just that he had his final due for film class (I know, right?) and so much was going on. But we should totally keep talking and meet up when he wasn’t so pressured.
I was like, “Aww, that’s too bad. I understand.” I think at that point, without realizing it, I had gone to the Dark Side of being understanding. I kind of wanted him to just admit what his game was even though I should have already disengaged at that point. But when someone starts to play games with me, it’s hard not to play to win.
The last day I messaged him, I just asked him how it was going and the reply I got was pretty operatic. Imagine violins here, by the way. He was so overwhelmed, you guys. His final was overdue and the editing equipment was broken and his mother had had a nervous breakdown and was going into a sanitarium the next day which was also his birthday and he was so stressed! Oh, woe!
I sent a sad face.
He continued, “And sex is one of the ways I deal with stress.”
I said, “O RLY? Well, I told you what my deal is, so you have fun banging random chicks. Sorry you’re stressed, though. Later!” Then I erased his phone number and spent the evening dissecting the whole ridiculous charade with my girlfriends.
He tried to message me a few times after that—most recently last week—but it was too late. I’m afraid the Sexual Grizzly’s sexual aura was just…too sexual for my delicate lady self to handle.
So, to pick up where we left off, I had just sabotaged the hell out of myself by slinking away from the Math Unicorn. It was time to do some soul searching and also some pep-talking.
I decided to be more open to people and their imperfections. I’m certainly not perfect, I thought to myself, and it would be unfair to expect everyone to rise to my high standards. I would listen to what people had to say to me and not reject them out of hand if they said something I thought was stupid. If I actually liked a guy, I wouldn’t disappear two dates in. Yeah! I was going to be awesome and understanding and pleasant, dammit!
And that’s where the Sexual Grizzly came in. He seemed normal at first, which they all do for the most part. He wasn’t my usual physical type, but he looked ok and didn’t seem like he was intent on eating the skin off my face or anything, so I gave him my number and we commenced a texting courtship.
He worked in a college library during the day, and he was pretty smart. He made me laugh quite a bit and had the skill of giving me compliments without seeming like a creeper. Overall I liked the cut of his jib. But something seemed a teensy bit off-kilter, like he wasn’t telling me something important. Initially, I filed this feeling away with things that are noteworthy but not necessarily ominous.
A flag went up a couple days in when he said he was also a DJ at local fetish parties. This gave me some pause; while I’m really not bothered by people on the Fet scene, the instances of polyamory are fairly high and I’m a completely monogamous kind of girl. He made some reassuring noises about it just being a gig. I gave him the text version of the side-eye, but I reminded myself that I was practicing not shutting people down right off the bat.
And then came the day when, at his suggestion, we played Truth or Dare, on the understanding that I did not want any pictures of his junk. When answering the question, “Why did your last relationship end,” he seriously told me, “I guess it’s just because I’m a very sexual person…my girlfriend couldn’t handle that.”
LOL, what, dude? But no, you’re totally trying not to be judgmental. Roll with it!
So I went through my usual spiel of, “Blah blah religious upbringing, love, not happening anytime soon, blah.” I figured that would take care of it.
But no, he was all (to paraphrase), “Oh, that’s so awesome and special! I’m down with that and stuff and I appreciate your honesty and whatever.”
Side note, do men actually appreciate honesty when it’s not what they want to hear?
Anyway, since I was wearing my Pants of Being Accepting of People I talked to him for a few more days. His messages got more and more explicit, though, because he was such a sexual person and whatnot. I was starting to get annoyed so I threw out a suggestion that might have been kind of a trap.
“We should meet in person! Let’s get coffee!” I sent a picture of myself being super smiley and not at all looking like I was trying to call the Sexual Grizzly’s bluff. On the off-chance that he accepted, I named the daytime in a very public place.
But wouldn’t you know it, he was busy! But he super wanted to meet me, it was just that he had his final due for film class (I know, right?) and so much was going on. But we should totally keep talking and meet up when he wasn’t so pressured.
I was like, “Aww, that’s too bad. I understand.” I think at that point, without realizing it, I had gone to the Dark Side of being understanding. I kind of wanted him to just admit what his game was even though I should have already disengaged at that point. But when someone starts to play games with me, it’s hard not to play to win.
The last day I messaged him, I just asked him how it was going and the reply I got was pretty operatic. Imagine violins here, by the way. He was so overwhelmed, you guys. His final was overdue and the editing equipment was broken and his mother had had a nervous breakdown and was going into a sanitarium the next day which was also his birthday and he was so stressed! Oh, woe!
I sent a sad face.
He continued, “And sex is one of the ways I deal with stress.”
I said, “O RLY? Well, I told you what my deal is, so you have fun banging random chicks. Sorry you’re stressed, though. Later!” Then I erased his phone number and spent the evening dissecting the whole ridiculous charade with my girlfriends.
He tried to message me a few times after that—most recently last week—but it was too late. I’m afraid the Sexual Grizzly’s sexual aura was just…too sexual for my delicate lady self to handle.
Oh yeah I remember that guy...haha. Seriously that's a lot of effort into bullshit when he could apparently just post an add on craigslist.
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