The Prince of Persia

I love getting messages from people. It always gives me a giddy little thrill--somebody picked me! They think I'm interesting and pretty! And usually those little notes are from very nice, articulate people. But sometimes the anticipation of the message is better than its actual contents, sort of like getting a beautifully-wrapped box full of granny panties for Christmas. The message I got from the Prince of Persia was the second kind.

 

Prince of Persia: Hi There... You look gorgeous, beautiful smile, and sexy lips. Are you interested in FWB... wana give it a try?

 

My reply was short and sweet:

The next day after my articulate rebuff, I got this: 

Prince of Persia: Thanks for replying, let me know if you change your mind in future ;)

 

Gross, Prince of Persia! Let me parse out what's wrong with what you just said, aside from the grammar, spelling, and punctuation. You started out all right; I do like it when people notice that I'm gorgeous with a beautiful smile. However, the following chart will show how you immediately nose-dived into creeper territory by mentioning my "sexy lips," which, from any guy I've ever met, means, "Here's I want you to do with your mouth." 

Aside from that, it also tells me you didn't read my profile, which indicates I am not interesed in being FWB with anyone. Furthermore, to ask me that in your very first message means that, even if I was interested in that arrangement, you don't care anything about anything that I say, think, or feel. What you're looking for is "benefits" without "friendship." I'm pretty sure that's what hookers are for.

 

Prince of Persia did not get it--and I really should have known. Instead, he wants me to know that his skeevy, one-sided offer is still totally open if I change my mind. Lucky me!

 

And, like that box of giant Christmas underpants, I release Prince of Persia back into circulation to be picked up by people who don't know or want any better.