The Math Unicorn Part One

The Math Unicorn first messaged me with a cute little comment about the teacup I'm holding in my main profile picture. For a week after that, we chatted back and forth, making strategic historical jokes to gauge each other's intelligence and being complimentary. Finally, he asked me to meet him for coffee.

It was Earth Day, one of my least favorite pseudo-holidays not because I hate the Earth, but because my work always holds a huge outdoors extravaganza and I always get a sunburn. I took the day off.

The afternoon I set out for our date, it was approximately a thousand degrees outside and sweaty children were cooking eggs on the sidewalk while bands of roving marauders fought wars for control of the local water supply. I mean to say that there is no air conditioning in my car and I flush bright red when the temperature creeps above 75.

There was no parking, because of course there wasn't, and I had to walk about five blocks. Did I mention that heat also makes me feel fat? By the time I got to the coffee shop, I felt like Jabba the Hut with a purse. The Math Unicorn was already there, daintily sipping an iced mocha. My first thought was, my God, he's so delicate I could carry him around!

Here's an illustration of how I thought this first meeting went:

So yeah, less than ideal, but he was actually very charming. And damn, that man was smart, too! He taught math and had a degree in philosophy. We started hitting it off and my skin started to resemble something like its usual bone white and I started to feel charming again.

I felt so charming and pleasant that I heard these ridiculous words come out of my mouth: "It's such a lovely day, we should take a walk around the Capitol."

"Oh yeah," he said happily, "that would be great."

"No, you fool!" my brain screamed at me as I picked up my purse with a flirtatious smile, "Think about your skin! You'll look like a tomato with boobs!"


"Let's take the shady way," I peeped.

So we took our walk around the Capitol and he said a lot of very intelligent things and I tried to sound intelligent back while also desperately hoping that he wouldn't notice I was winded from years of smoking and turning red like a malfunctioning television screen.

At last, we got back to the coffee shop. I was saying something about dinosaurs that I'm sure was amazing. We stood there awkwardly for a minute. I thought he was thinking about asking me to go somewhere else, and I wanted to go if he did, but I also needed to get my core temperature down before I spontaneously combusted. I was sure the Math Unicorn would never recover from seeing that, and nobody likes a sad unicorn.

So I said, "Well, I had a great time!" We hugged and he drove off and I took the death march back to my car, which doubled as a sweat lodge on the way home.

Snags aside, it was a promising first date. Sure enough, the Math Unicorn asked me out again the following week--this time, an evening date (heavens!) at a joint that specialized in Belgian ales. The night and alcohol are two things I handle very well, so my confidence ratcheted. No Jabba the Hut this time! Oh no, I'd be cool and collected, all Vampirella but not as gothy with my bad self.

I started planning my outfit accordingly.

Stay tuned for The Math Unicorn Part Two!